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| Lemme tell you baby, you're the only one for me
People look at me, thinking that I'm not the type to do the things I've done so far in the 2 months. I hate how people have this look about me, that I'm a girl that had a lasting relationship and would never do anything. Fucking, what am I? A girl that can't make mistakes? I've made mistakes in the last 2 months, but I don't need someone to say anything about it to me. I'm happy now, with him. He makes me happy and I don't need to hear it, that my mistakes are what makes you disappointed in me. I'm still who I've been, nothing has changed. Even if I did change, I changed for the fucking better, understand that.
Sometimes, I wish my temper wasn't so short. I can't help but let my anger out a lot, it's horrible. Recently a lot of things been going on with my family and I just snap at them. I don't want to turn out like the rest of my family with a short fuse, but I just can't help it. I wish people weren't so whiny, so greedy, so everything. God made us better than this. Ugh, unbelievable.
My relationship with God is like nonexistent. It's depressing because I kind of need God's love in my situation now. God, listen to my prayers please.
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| I don't know what to do, I'm going out of my mind
Sometimes I do things for myself, to make myself happy, but it ends up hurting someone around me. I don't know if what I do in life is ever gonna be good enough. Sometimes I just wish I could get away from this, but running is never the option. I don't have the strength to make myself&others happy. I don't even have the strength to make decisions on my own.
My job starts in what, 5 days. I had like a 2 weeks off and then I start work. Not cool. Whatever, at least I'm getting some money out of it. Plus, I hope this experience totally opens up my heart to knew things. Even open my heart up more to God.
I hate that you make me feel so sane at times, yet make me feel so calm. I think I'm falling hard.
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| As much as you hurt me, why am I still holding on?
I keep putting myself out there. I let myself out there. I let whatever happened happen and I got hurt. I'm not fighting for it, I'm letting it go. I let him hurt me and he doesn't even care. He doesn't even care for the fact that he's hurting me. He doesn't even realize I exist in this world. Am I suppose to just act like nothing happened to me because I can't. I try to keep the smile on. I try to make it look like I'm not hurt and everything is fine between us. We are just friends, but deep down I just wanna cry and explain to him that he hurt me. I don't even know if the rumors are true, but if it is. I guess things never go my way. Love isn't on my side. I've always felt like I had a thing for this guy, but clearly it would never work out. He clearly makes it obviously that we can never be together. I just wish he wouldn't do it this way and just confront me. This is how things go from now.
God, please be by my side. I need you more than anything right now. I'm feeling lost and hurt. The more I think about him the more I feel so lost. I feel so confused and misunderstood. I feel used and everything that I shouldn't feel. God, I never felt like this before. The feeling where I can't do anything and I just let the person hurt me. I'm letting him hurt me and I won't stop. God give me the strength to move on or at least give me the chance to be with him. I need your guidance more than anything.
School's over basically, I'm happy. This is the worse week of my life. I cried so much. I teared before a final over him. This is horrible. Freshman year ended bad. I hate this like shit. I can't believe I got fucked over.
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| &I'm not like every other girl.
So, a lot has happened in a couple of weeks. I'm single for the first time in a while and I feel pretty relieved. I feel a little happier and more like free. There are times if what I did was a mistake, but I just have to take it in and never regret. But this guy got me head over heels for him in a way. He confuses me. He treats me like he has an interest in me then totally changes his ways. I'm so confused and so close to just giving up. I know if I give up, I'll lose him and never get the chance again. I'll keep fighting, but if I start to get the feeling of neglect and stuff from him, I'm done. I don't need to get hurt again.
I'm really mad at myself for pushing God away. I haven't been going to church for like a month now and I'm pretty annoyed about it. I say I'll go, but then I have family obligations and it's just I'm so tired. This summer I plan on going to church a lot more. Summer paradise might also help my relationship with God grow stronger. I know God is always there for me, but I choose not to give him the time. I pray as much as I can and I feel my words aren't reaching him. I guess this is kinda what I deserve because I keep pushing God away from me when I should accept him.
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| I wanna believe in magic, I wanna believe in true love
Wow, I haven't updated in mad long. Well a lot has happened in the past month, it's making me insane in a way. haha. For example, I applied to this summer program at my church in April and I was pretty uncertain and insecure about myself. It was my first actual interview for a job, so I was nervous. I kept talking with my hands, so I didn't look professional. You can't blame me because I'm just a 15 year old looking for something to keep me busy. Well I got the results during the week and I GOT IT. I was so happy. I told everyone in my latin class and when I was walking with Joshua I HAD TO SHOW HIM that I got my job. haha. That clearly made me even more excited for summer.. :(.
School is killing me, seriously. I'm slacking off because I'm so focused on summer and stressed. I want to like go through a week without tests and homework, but that never exists in freaking high school. I'm slacking off at the worse time too! During the third marking period which is part of your transcript, how great. I think I applied to too many classes last year. College Now english, juvenile law, and all my honors class..I will suffer next year, thanks to myself! PLUS PSAT! I'm so scared, I really need the scholarship for PSAT because I don't think I can get into a good college on my own with my own money &parents money.
I've been in a tough spot lately. Things are changing for me and maybe for the better or worse. I'm seeing things clearer and viewing things around me differently. I'm starting to see the change in myself and the people around me. It makes me scared and worried and afraid. Change is the one thing that I can't do anything about and it's one of the things I fear the most in this world. Hopefully the decisions I make will be the right ones for me in the long run.
I've faded from God once again. I'm so disappointed. For a while, I felt God so closed to me. I felt like everything between me & Him were stable, then I get this feeling again. I stopped praying every night or forgot. I need God's love the most at the moment. I need Him to guide me through this tough time in my life. His love is the only love that I know that won't leave me. Hopefully my relationship with God will grow this summer.
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